Sunday, February 14, 2010

I've always wished for you

Sometimes I wonder what exactly is going on here. I grew up on a steady diet of fairy tales and Disney movies, believing I’d grow up to have that ‘happily-ever-after’ ending with a knight in shining armor who would do anything to make me his princess. You can ask anyone who knew me in high school. All I wanted was that clichéd movie ending. I chased it and fought to make it ‘work’ the way I thought it should, even when it was painfully obvious to everyone else that “life’s no storybook.” Being completely oblivious to reality/living in a fairy tale world is great… until it ends. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed that sort of idealistic love affair and look back on it with the fondest memories.

I’m three years beyond that sort of thinking. While I’d still appreciate the kind of love you see in the movies, I no longer quest for it with all my heart. I’ve found that a simpler sort of love, while actually being much more complex in reality, provides me with a much better feeling. The sort of warm, diffuse glow the world seems to take on whenever I’m with Doug is nothing like the rich violet magic I always assumed I wanted. Instead of focusing on the magic, I’m focusing on the person I’m with. I’m in love with a person, a real live person, instead of some ideal that no one can live up to. And sometimes, that’s disappointing. But mostly, I just enjoy laughing with him and crying on his shoulder and just sitting there in silence sometimes because words are unnecessary.

While other couples are having fancy dinners with roses and chocolates and maybe diamond rings for Valentine’s Day, we’re stargazing. It still takes me by surprise when I reconcile my ideas of what love should be with what it actually is. Love is picking out all the red-and-blue sour gummy worms because you know they’re my favorite.
gummy worm love
Or hiding under my bed because we don’t have a porch (yet!) and Dug “was hiding under your porch because I love you.”
hid under the bed
It’s playing video games together and shouting encouragement because you can. Or putting together a Dungeons and Dragons campaign as an excuse to spend more time together.

This isn’t the way I imagined myself spending the first decent Valentine’s Day of my life. But I can’t imagine things happening any other way. There are aspects of the fairy tale in our relationship because Doug chooses to bring them to it. If I sent him to bring me a falling star, he’d go to the ends of the earth to bring me one. I know he’s looking right now.

I used to wish on a star every night for the most amazing love the universe could provide. And I was always disappointed when I didn't get what I felt that wish warranted. Well, I think I did.

I set this up to post in advance. I fully intend to be on the beach, stargazing with D when Saturday turns into Sunday.